By: Will Leitch
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Over the past two decades, however, too many play-by-play guys–even some of the biggest names–have become motormouthed hacks whose egos are perpetually on display. They pepper their commentary with a constant flow of inane banter and irrelevant pop culture references—anything to get more air time. It’s enough to make any fan watch a whole game on mute. In the name of taking back televised sports, we hereby call out these 10 broadcasters as the worst of the worst—and beg TV execs to muzzle them before viewers revolt.
He’s as much a part of American football as pylons and jock itch, but Madden became a parody of himself long ago. The beloved Hall of Fame coach once lent easy-to-understand insight to a game that can be hard for the casual fan to decipher. But that was before he handed out six-legged turkeys on Thanksgiving and scored a slew of endorsement deals. Sadly, he’s all but stopped analyzing these days, instead bellowing catch phrases while scribbling on the Telestrator like an epileptic kindergartner. Then again, if our name was on a video game that has grossed over a billion dollars, maybe we’d start phoning it in, too.He said it: “Not only do you get a first down but you get a whole new set of downs!”
Yes, the Knicks’ MSG Network color man is a legendary guard and a pretty smooth dude. We’ve got a few tips for him anyway: Tone down the pimp wear; criticize your sorry-ass team every once in a while; and, please, put down the thesaurus. Word combos like “bounding and astounding,” and “precocious neophyte” are enough to make any man hurl a whiskey bottle at his flat-screen. (Or is that just us?) Most ridiculous of all, the Knicks can be losing by 50 to the Hornets, and Frazier will, without irony, praise the low-post defense of David Lee.He said it: “A maestro is Nate Robinson, his virtuosity overwhelming the Blazers now. The grandeur, the splendor, the majesty of the little man, slicing between a couple of Blazers.”
A forgettable play-by-play man for ESPN’s College Football Primetime, Patrick earns his place here largely thanks to his work during the September 22, 2007 Georgia-Alabama game. With the two rivals engaged in a fierce overtime battle, Patrick started badgering analyst Todd Blackledge with questions about...Britney Spears. Nationwide bewilderment ensued.He said it: Patrick: “I’ve got an important question.” Blackledge: “Go ahead.” Patrick: “What’s Britney doing with her life?” Blackledge: “Who?” Patrick: “Britney.” Blackledge: “Britney who?” Patrick: “Spears. What’s she doing with her career?” Blackledge: “Why do we care at this point? Is she here?” She wasn’t. But that didn’t stop Patrick from baring his weird soul.
The Dick Cheney of college basketball broadcasting, Packer is a crotchety antagonist who brings the joy of a diaper change to every gig—along with doses of racism and sexism! Packer called Allen Iverson a “tough monkey,” and when a female security guard asked for press credentials before a Duke game, Packer replied, “Since when do we let women control who gets into a men’s basketball game?” Karma struck when he blasted the inclusion of so many mid-majors in the 2006 NCAA tournament—and then George Mason reached the Final Four.He said it: When Charlie Rose asked if Packer wanted help with the 2007 finals: “You always fag out on that one for me. You always say you’ll be the runner, then you never show up.”
6. Bill Walton
A dynamic center at UCLA in the ’70s and a self-professed former hippie, “the Big Redhead” is all about peace, love…and turning even the most boring Bucks-Nets game into an epic battle between good and evil. The undisputed king of hyperbole, Walton once described a misguided pass from Tony Parker as “the worst pass in the history of Western civilization” and called Greg Ostertag “one of the top centers on the planet.” Walton deserves credit for overcoming a debilitating stutter, but he still sounds like he’s spraying the booth every time he opens his mouth. Terrible! Just terrible!He said it: “When I look at Boris Diaw, I think of Beethoven and the age of Romantics.”
One assumes the NFL Network wanted Gumbel because the newsman added gravitas to a fledgling outlet. Gravitas, however, only matters if you don’t suck. Though adept as the host of HBO’s Real Sports, Gumbel was out of his element as a play caller. He routinely misdiagnosed plays, spotted the ball at the wrong yard line, and once referred to the game’s quarters as “periods.” He called Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo “Rick Romo” and 49ers running back Frank Gore “Al Gore.” Mercifully, the network and Gumbel parted ways last April so he could return to Teleprompter reading.He said it: “The Patriots...come back on the field for the first time this evening.”
Once upon a time, Dickie V was an exciting, spontaneous announcer. Now he’s a mugging cartoon whose catch phrases—“dipsy-doo dunkaroo,” “slam-jam-bam, baby!”—send fans scrambling for a dull razor. Vitale’s obsession with Duke and Coach K borders on a disorder, and his tireless defense of even the most unethical college coaches is laughable. Last year when Florida coach Billy Donovan accepted the Orlando Magic job, then quit a day later, Vitale noted, “Those things happen.” He’d make a helluva used car salesman, though.He said it: “Go to my Web site, Dick Vitale dot com! You can get my bobblehead and my books and also an alarm clock to wake you up!”
3. Joe Morgan
ESPN’s lead baseball color commentator relishes any chance to remind non–Hall of Fame second basemen that he, Joe Morgan, Hall of Fame second baseman, is a Hall of Fame second baseman. He’s also the most condescending broadcaster in sports—so despised he’s inspired a Web site: firejoemorgan.com. When not making Barry Bonds out to be Mother Teresa, he’s bashing execs who use stats rather than scouts to evaluate players—the science of sabermetrics detailed in the 2003 book Moneyball.He said it: “Anytime you’re trying to make statistics tell you who’s gonna win the game, that’s a bunch of geeks trying to play video games.” News flash: Those geeks are your audience.
2. Chip Caray
He’s the grandson of legendary Cubs broadcaster Harry Caray and the son of TBS’s Braves play-by-play guy, Skip Caray. So Chip may have benefited from a little nepotism when, two years out of college, he scored a job behind the mike at Orlando Magic games. Today the MLB announcer is a fountain of inaccuracies. During last year’s ALDS, he was actually forced to apologize to Cleveland Indians fans for botching so many facts about their team.He said it: Of the Andy Pettitte, Fausto Carmona duel in the 2007 ALDS: “You can’t get better postseason pitching than we’ve seen tonight.” Oh, yeah? How about Don Larsen’s perfect game in the 1956 World Series, Chip?
Chip also made our list of worst baseball announcers.
1. Chris Berman
One of ESPN’s original broadcasters, Berman is the godfather of taking a spectacular athletic moment and butchering it with bullshit. Whether he’s creating “wacky” nicknames for players—Mike “Enough” Aldretti, Esteban “Bats in the” Beltre—or bellowing, “Back-back-back-back-back!” whenever someone hits a home run, Boomer never fails to shoehorn his trademark nonsense into a game.He said it: Caught on-camera in 2000 just before Monday Night Football returned from commercial: “Why does everybody all of a sudden have to move? You’ve got two fucking hours to move around. Wait 10 minutes. Jesus!...It’s like no one has worked on TV here before! Jesus!”
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