Baseball’s Most Fragile Weenieheads

Accidents will happen, sure. But you mean to tell us that guys whose primary responsibility is to keep themselves in shape, who have an army of trainers and physicians on 24-hour call, can’t do a better job of injury prevention? Buck up, boyos.

Moises Alou, New York Mets
Some say that Alou can’t stay on the field because he’s old. Others say that he can’t stay on the field because he falls a lot, which is what old people do. Whichever side you’re on, you have to agree that old people have no place in baseball or society.

Rich Harden, Oakland A’s
He ranks as the most frustrating baseball player on the planet, in that he dominates when healthy but is healthy less often than a child born without an immune system. Hence we’re nominating Harden for quarantine. To ease his transition into bubble-boy solitude, we’ll pony up a pile of old Maxims for his germ-free tomb.

Eric Chavez, Oakland A’s
Threadbare shoulder tendons, bulging discs in his back—Chavez has fewer unmolested body parts than Jenna Jameson. See, that’s an appropriate analogy because Jenna Jameson is a porn star who gets groped for a living. Appropriate!

Mark Prior, San Diego Padres
His right shoulder clearly isn’t equipped to fling a baseball plateward at 90 MPH, so many pundits have suggested he call it a career. We couldn’t disagree more. It’s like when people complain that the Rolling Stones keep touring: What the hell else are they supposed to do? Anyway, godspeed, Mr. Prior, you fragile, beautiful angel, you.

Nomar Garciaparra, Los Angeles Dodgers
Remember when we used to mention him in the same sentence with A-Rod and Jeter? Remember when the Boston fans used to bray “No-MAAAAAAAAH!”? Remember when George Clooney used to play a doctor on ER?

Nick Johnson, Washington Nationals
Call him brittle and risk incurring the wrath of the surprisingly vocal peanut-brittle-enthusiast community. Trust us: we learned this one the hard way.

A.J. Burnett, Toronto Blue Jays
But he’ll pitch through the occasional bouts of soreness and fatigue this season, because he can opt out of his contract come November. Thus, “rich pussy” is probably a more apt description.

Carl Pavano, New York Yankees
Sure, the Rajah of Rehab (nickname courtesy of the awesome LoHud Yankees blog) might, in theory, someday pitch in a major-league baseball game. And mankind might, in theory, someday develop a robot oral hygienist or an easily folded fitted sheet. Oddly enough, a Google search of “Carl Pavano has a cavernous vagina” returns a mere 23 results.





Original here