The Bay Area SEG Club will play their fourth anniversary Segway Polo match in exactly 10 days, and the world could be less excited. Although they think they have created a revolutionary sport that combines the triumphs with technology and traditional sports, after reading their 10-page rule book, I can see why such a creative concept has been ignored by enthusiast everywhere.
The official rules of the SEG club polo can be found here, if you even care to read them in the first place. Basically, you hit the ball with the stick. You are not allowed to run into other players. You are not allowed to hit them with your clubs. The player closest to the ball has a right away. The list of rules that only an overprotective soccer mom would condone is endless. If the sport wants to take a leap into the public eye, then they need to start adding some flare.
There are plenty of other sports that allow full contact on wheels. Murderball, for example, condones full contact between players that are situated in a wheel chair . . . which is less protection than the Segway. Look at Rollerball, NASCAR, or any of the other sports that embrace the notion of contact and the attention of TV viewers everywhere. Although a Segway is very expensive, it can always be repaired. Therefore, if Segway Polo is ever going to make its way into popular culture as a legitimate ‘sport’, then some rules need to be changed.
First of all, every “right of way” rule needs to be eliminated from competition. If the player doesn’t want his precious Segway to be scratched, then he simply doesn’t deserve the ball. The man willing to do the most damage shall be awarded on the field of play. And to help this sport celebrate the art of violence, I have made a couple of suggestions to the Bay Area SEG Club to help them out.
The Segways should be scythed to enable players to take out other opponent. They were acceptable on Roman chariots, which were considered modern Segways at the time. Also, the presence of a shield will encourage more ramming, as well as provide strategic protection to the vehicle. Spikes are encouraged for the coolness factor.
In terms of the playing field, we suggest the implementation of two sand traps and a water hazard, or vice versa. Alligators are optional. The presence of these hazards will make movement on the field more condensed, strategic, and give an incentive for more contact to either put someone in the hazards, or to keep oneself out.
Also, although we promote all contact, there has to be a name given for the act. Just as hockey has checking and the NFL has tackling, Segway Polo will have head thumping. The rules are explained below.
Finally, all forms of celebrations are acceptable . . . except this one.
With these modifications to the rules set forth by the Bay Area SEG Club, there is no doubt that it will become a national phenonom. The problem is finding the men and women with enough guts to ride a Seg in public, and be willing to kill each other in the process. Someone sign me up.
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