It’s September, which means Latino Heritage Month is upon us… yay! We’re Latino! Or Hispanic! Or Whatever… yay! Contributing Editor Alex Ferreyra is feeling the Latino love in the air, and never more so than when the NFL dusts off the deck tapes and creates commercials with “regular” gente professing their love for El Futbol Americano. But he feels that if they really wanted to sell the game, they’d go after what their mostly male Latino audience really responds to—chicas! That’s why he went through the rosters of all the team’s cheerleading squads (tough job, we know) and picked out the hottest Latina cheerleaders in the NFL for your viewing placer. Enjoy.
This month, I fall into the three key demographics the NFL wants to reach out to—male with disposable income and Hispanic. The last one is because it is Spanish-speakers Heritage Month, which they feel gives them the right to shill crappy video game translations to me. But what do they show to lure me in? Commercials of a Denver couple who painted their tacqueria Bronco orange and blue and Tony Kornheiser talking about dry cleaning during Monday Night Football. Nope. Sale not completed. I am still not falling for your ploy, NFL. If you wanted to get me to just fall for anything, why didn’t you just use the tried and true method that’s been at the disposal of ad agencies since the beginning of time? Sex. Boobs. Girls. That would’ve worked me up into enough of a frenzy to pull out my credit card to buy a video game with Roberto Garza on the cover. Next year, use my method. I’ve even given you a list of fine looking women that have been at your disposal all the while—NFL cheerleaders. Your charge? Nothing. But if you have any silver and black colored Zubazz Gaucho pants left over after this month, you can send me a pair.
- 12. Ivelisse (age not given, but we’re pretty sure she’s over 18… pretty sure)
- Team: Philadelphia Eagles
- Years Dancing With Her Team: One
- Quirkiest Fact In Their Bio: Her favorite song is Lil’ Wayne’s “Milli.” Seriously, it’s my favorite song of the year, too. Also, her last meal would be Cheese Hot Pockets. It’s like we’re meant for each other (although mine would be the Cheeseburger Hot Pockets… those shits are off the hook.)
- Why We Ranked Her Here: I totally would have ranked her higher if she didn’t look like like she was 12 years old. What is wrong with you Philadelphians?
- 11. Jessica
- Team: Denver Broncos
- Years Dancing With Her Team: One
- Quirkiest Fact In Their Bio: She was born in Mattoon, IL, the same place as former Deadspin Editor Will Leitch. Wonder if she holds the same love for St. Louis Cardinals centerfielder Rick Anikel as he does.
- Why We Ranked Her Here: It was a toss up here between Jessica and number 10 Alicia, but since I’m a Raider fan, I just couldn’t do my girl like that… even when the other woman wears assless chaps to work. Ugh, let’s finish this so I can get to my loyalty call.
- 10. Alicia
- Team: Oakland Raiders
- Years Dancing With Her Team: Four
- Quirkiest Fact In Their Bio: She was a Dean’s Scholar at CSU Sacramento and a member of Alpha Phi Sorority, which makes her smart enough to run the Raiders front office.
- Why We Ranked Her Here: A list of the hottest Latina cheerleaders without a Raiderette is like a Spring day without sunshine. I would’ve added more, but the other Alex said they were all guacala. And after looking the list over and over, I have to agree. The Latinas on the Raidertte squad are pretty guacala.
- 9. Arlene, 26
- Team: Washington Redskins
- Years Dancing With Her Team: Four
- Quirkiest Fact In Their Bio: She graduated from George Mason University where she got a bachelors in Integrated Studies with a major in International Business. I’m too stupid to know what that means. That’s what a bachelors in communications with an emphasis on film gets you, people.
- Why We Ranked Her Here: She’s a technical recruiter, meaning she understands the pressures that computer guys go through. Plus, she’s happy to be a “business woman by day and NFL cheerleader by night!” She’s like a hot Batman if instead of fighting crazy people he cheered for crazy people—like Clinton Portis.
- 8. Marlina, 24
- Team: San Diego Chargers
- Years Dancing With Her Team: Three
- Quirkiest Fact In Their Bio: Her favorite quote is “Everything happens for a reason.” which is one drives me crazy. Things happen because a series of events caused it to? Well no shit. I just had to get that out of the way before losing my train of thought looking at her picture.
- Why We Ranked Her Here: She was one of the 12 NFL cheerleaders featured in this year’s Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition. Surely that should put her in the top ten, no?
- 7. Tiffany, 21
- Team: Tampa Bay Buccaneers
- Years Dancing With Her Team: Three
- Quirkiest Fact In Their Bio: Well, she invites us to check out her blog throughout the year to find out how interesting the life of a Tampa Bay Bucs cheerleader is… but she hasn’t posed anything yet. Come on, no Jeff Garcia pouty-baby stories you can share?
- Why We Ranked Her Here: Sometimes I gotta go with… she’s pretty.
- 6. Johanna, 24
- Team: Miami Dolphins
- Years Dancing With Her Team: One
- Quirkiest Fact In Their Bio: The one place she wants to go is Europe. Well, I would take her, but with the price of plane tickets and all, it’s kinda expensive. Would she settle for going to Versailles… you know, the famous Cuban restaurant on Calle Ocho? That’s some good eatin’.
- Why We Ranked Her Here: Because she looks a lot like Rhianna, and I me some love Rihanna. You gotta problem with that… brella… brella, yeah….
- 5. Kylette, 23
- Team: San Diego Chargers
- Years Dancing With Her Team: Four
- Quirkiest Fact In Their Bio: Before coming to the Chargers, she was a part of the NBA D-League Thunderbirds Dance Team, which is pretty much a Sarah Palin, Wasilla-to-The White House rise to the top.
- Why We Ranked Her Here: In 2001, Kylette was crowned Miss Teen Latina New Mexico and later received 1st runner up Miss Teen Latina USA. The best I ever did was fifth place in a White Castle eating contest, so that makes her way better than me. Hotter, too.
- 4. Lauren, 23
- Team: Dallas Cowboys
- Years Dancing With Her Team: One
- Quirkiest Fact In Their Bio: According to Lauren, “My passion is not only with dance and cheer but with my faith in the lord, as everything is possible through him.” Really? Then can he get Tony Romo to hang on to the freaking ball?
- Why We Ranked Her Here: After reading excerpts from the Jeff Pearlman book about the 90s-era Cowboys, I don’t know how long she’s going to be around because of her religious views. Sure, she loves Marion Barber now, but if he pulled even a tenth of the stuff Charles Haley did back in the day, she’s going to be running to her church to pray for The Barbarian’s soul.
- 3. Alexis, 23
- Team: San Fransisco 49ers
- Years Dancing With Her Team: Three
- Quirkiest Fact In Their Bio: Alexis hopes to get a minor in Spanish. That’s just like the time I took AP Spanish in high school and got a 5 on the exam… ha, suckers! Seriously, I feel you Alexis. Call me.
- Why We Ranked Her Here: Because she’s like ¾ Salma Hayek, ¼ floozie cheerleader. 60% of our dreams are populated with women like her (the other 40% have to deal with saving the children and ending hunger in the world… with my sidekick Alexis).
- 2. Ariana, 19
- Team: Miami Dolphins
- Years Dancing With Her Team: Two
- Quirkiest Fact In Their Bio: The place she really wants to visit is Antartica and her dream job is being a Roller Coaster tester. So she’s either mentally stuck at six (hey, I’m mentally stuck at 15, so there’s nothing wrong with it) or she just has an f-it attitude towards life. Either way, she a very dangerous woman… but worthy of my love.
- Why We Ranked Her Here: Heheheheh. Really? You are looking at these pictures, right? The only way she could be topped on this list was if there were two of her. Oh wait…
- 1. Larisa and Marisa, 23
- Team: Houston Texans
- Years Dancing With Their Team: Four
- Quirkiest Fact In Their Bio: Larisa’s favorite restaurant is Houston wonder-eatery Pappasito’s and Marisa’s favorite restaurant is the Olive Garden. That would make Larisa my hands-down favorite. Now if I could just figure out which one she is…
- Why We Ranked Her Here: While Alexis is the hottest woman ever to wear gold lame hot shorts (and arguably, there have been many lately) and Adriana is, well, Adriana, the power of twins propelled us to push these beauties on the top of the list. Plus, Larisa loves Pappasito’s, as do I, so it’s like the win-win of all win-wins (but with twins does that make it win-win-win-win? Ouch… that made my head hurt).
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