In today’s society, there are a million reasons why professional athletes are placed on a pedestal and worshiped by we mere mortals. They make obscene amounts of money, going to work entails “playing games," and they fill more pussy than Meow Mix. One underappreciated aspect of being a pro jock is the nickname factor.
I mean, how cool would it be to walk around the office and have people refer to you as “the Great One," or “Magic”? There are a shitload of awesome nicknames out there and I’m sure there are even more lists that rank them. This, however, is not one of them. Rather, I’d like to take a look at the poor bastards who stepped up to the nickname buffet to find the only thing left was rancid pig snout.
10. Major League Pitcher: John “Way Back” Wasdin
Wasdin was tagged with the unfortunate handle of “Way Back” after showing a habitual penchant for serving up Dr. Longball. The very definition of mediocrity, “Way Back” Wasdin boasts the unspectacular career record of 29 and 29, with a bloated ERA of over 5.
9. NBA Rebound Specialist: Dennis “The Worm” Rodman
At least if he was known as “the Big Worm” or something to that effect, one could allude to his label's phallic nature. As it stands, though, Rodman is essentially named after a mucous-covered decomposer with both male and female genitalia. Surprisingly appropriate for a man who enjoys dressing up in women’s clothing.
8. NHL Super-pest: Kenny “the Rat” Linesman
Personally, I love Kenny “the Rat” Linesman. The problem is, whether it’s the association with rolling over on your friends, or the actual garbage dwelling vermin, the rat is a foul and despised creature. Kenny not only played like a dirty rat, but his pointy snout and sunken eyes made him look the part as well.
7. NHL Goal Scorer: Marcel “Le Petit Castore” Dionne (translated to “Little Beaver”)
Dionne may have scored often with his blade, but this stumpy French pudge-ball was shut out in the nickname department. You’re either a small, buck-toothed member of the rodent family that chews wood for a living, or a euphemism for a tiny vagina. Pick your poison.
6. NBA Legend: Larry “The Hick From French Lick” Bird
5. NHL Netminder: Andre “Red Light” Racicot
As a goaltender, your job description entails just one task. Keep the puck out of the net. Too bad for Racicot that skill happened to be the one he struggled with most. Poor old “Red Light” was unceremoniously run out of Montreal, but not before suffering third-degree burns to the back of his neck from the goal lamp's sharp amber rays.
4. Light Stepping Wrestler: The Poet Laureate, “Leaping” Lanny Poffo
Let’s break this phenomenally awful name down to its core components. A poet that enjoys “leaping” named Lanny Poffo. Three strikes and “Leaping” Lanny is out; of the closet that is. Perhaps he would have been better off sticking to his original name, “Big Gay Lanny."
3. NBA Rookie: Glen “Big Baby” Davis
The only blemish on the 2008 Boston Celtics so far this season, is their rookie’s nickname. A dominating NBA big man should conjure up names like “the Admiral," “Diesel” or "Dr. Dunkenstein." Instead, Davis will have to settle for images of uncontrollable crying fits and giant soiled diapers. I just feel sorry for his mother’s flume-ride like birth canal.
2. Former Boxing Champion: Pernell “Sweet Pea” Whitaker
As a boxer, you generally want a nickname that is going to put the fear of god in your opponents. With that in mind, I must have missed the episode of the Popeye cartoon where his daughter knocks out Brutus with a wicked left cross. There are absolutely no redeeming qualities to this nickname, and whoever invented it should be tied up and whipped repeatedly with a lasso made of used tampons.
1. NHL Scoring Legend: Guy “the Flower” Lafleur
Nothing says speed, power and ferocity like... a flower? I can just see a helmet-less defender snickering under his breath, “Oh no, here comes the Flower flying down the wing." Now, Guy certainly had some skills, but on the basis of his nickname alone, you’d assume that skill was planting two-lips on some greasy Frenchman’s knob.
Call me crazy, but I even believe his pseudonym may be responsible for his son’s recent legal problems. It seems the son of the Flower was assessed a “minor” penalty for sexual assault on an underage girl. I guess that would make his son “the De-Flowerer”?