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Friday, September 19, 2008

Wait: I joined another gym? Huh?


Joined a gym the other day. 24 Hour Fitness, over by the Super Target on Colorado. I really hate when they put gyms next to Targets, because every time I work out I end up buying a Corona hat or a rotisserie chicken. I hate that. But not as much as I hate these things:

The Salesmen
Why is it that no matter the gym, no matter the salesman, they always claim that their gym has the best-looking women? The gym could at that very moment be filled with a thousand first-class meatheads and the salesmen will assure you that on Saturday mornings, or some other time that is not right then, "the talent in this place is unreal." They will always use the word "talent." I think it's in the manual.

Working Out
It's amazing how America continues to ignore one crucial fact about joining a gym: Working out sucks. It's boring. Repetitive. Sweaty. And no matter how close your gym is, it takes forever to drive there.

Yet I continue to cheerfully hand my credit card to pervy salesmen selling a product I actively despise, agreeing not only to pay monthly for the opportunity to engage in said activity, but also to pay a one-time fee for "activating" my misery. It's like paying someone $79 to punch you in the face, and then another $31 per month to let him kick you in the junk once a month for 24 months.

What's that? You'd like a towel to wipe your tears? That'll be two bucks.

baconator.jpg

Wendy's
Say you've just finished a thirteen-minute jog-walk on the treadmill, followed by two-and-a-half reps of curls and one failed tango with a giant rubber ball. Your body feels like it's been through an entire season of Deadliest Catch. So you walk out of the gym, weary but proud, and what do you encounter fifty feet from your gym's front door, just across the parking lot? The inimitable smell of Wendy's French fries, heart-stoppingly golden and delicious, begging your olfactories to drag you into the drive-thru line.

You oblige, never one to argue with your olfactories' navigational sensibility. And you end up taking down a Baconator, fries and a Dr. Pepper big enough to drown a toddler. Meanwhile, the chicken breast you were thawing at home goes rotten, much like your insides. But hey, that's why you work out, right? So you can eat what every you want!

“Wanna run?”
The savior of this particular 24 Hour is its cavernous gymnasium, a full-length basketball court that, despite its emptiness at the time of my tour, is constantly playing host to good games, according to the salesman. Considering my stature – I'm about the size of a large Scottish Terrier – I'm not the most intimidating force on the court. But I like to ball nonetheless.

What I don't like is everything that goes with pick-up basketball.

Typically there is a game going when I arrive, so I clumsily shoot eight-footers on an unoccupied hoop, constantly terrified of bricking one into the middle of the game and enraging the group's token 'roid monkey. While I wait, someone in much longer shorts than mine invariably enters the gym and asks me "who has next" -- hoop-speak for who has dibs on playing the next game. Technically I have next, but I usually yield the floor to whoever else comes in. "I'd rather just shoot around anyway," I tell myself, which is sort of like saying you'd rather go to the driving range than play golf, or that you'd rather have sex with yourself than have sex with yourself twice in a row.

When the game finally ends, I wait patiently for one of my fellow ballers to invite me to join the game. They rarely do. There is a freakish lack of communication on pick-up basketball courts. Also, I'm a midget. Not literally, but almost literally -- short enough that sperm banks won't take my sperm (seriously; look it up). So I shoot around until they realize that playing with a little person is better than playing with nine people. (Not everyone realizes this, but you only need a majority).

steve_kerr.jpg
"You can't leave Steve Kerr open like that! That's Steve Kerr, baby!"

Eventually, after much debate over the rules and the duration of the game –- how are there no uniform rules for these things by now? -- we play. I drain a three-pointer early, causing one of the black guys to begin calling me by the name of some notable white shooter, usually Steve Kerr.

As in: "Do him, Steve Kerr!" "You can't leave Steve Kerr open like that, baby!" "That's Steve Kerr right there!"

I never know what to call the black guy back.

Saying goodbye
The worst part about joining a gym, of course, is canceling your membership six month later (five and a half months after you stopped going). You always have to explain how you've decided that you're more of an "activity person -- you know, hiking, biking that sort of thing." Then you have to walk out. This is always the hardest part; there's so much talent in there! But you take one long look and say goodbye.

That Baconator isn't gonna order itself. -- Joe Tone

Original here

20 More of Football's Worst Ever Jerseys

by Maire Ofeire


Yesterday's article got such a good response that I had to follow it up with this article 20 More of Football's Worst Ever Jerseys.

Because of the vast amount of terribly awful football shirts out there I found it easy to add another 20. There are some that didn't make it on to the last list by a whisker, and others that have been suggested to me.

Finally, as a treat, a picture of the infamous Colorado "Cowboy" shirt in action.

So once again I hope you enjoy them. And once again shame on you if you own any.

Read the original "20 of the World's Worst Football Jerseys."

20. Jorge Campos (Yes, him again)

Even though he made it in the original list, none is complete without Mr. Campos. In my opinion the world of football need characters like Campos. On a trivia note he often wore No. 9 on his shirt as he was also a striker and one club signed him as striker before he made his name as a goalkeeper.

19. Chelsea Goalkeeper Peter Cech

One of the world's best goalkeepers sporting one of the world's worst goalkeeping shirts. At least it avoids the problems suffered by those who wear Manchester United's grey kit.

18. Manchester United

There really is no excuse for the awful blue and white pattern on these numbers.

17. York City

The material is more akin to what a jockey would wear and what is the deal with the chequered flag on the sleeve?

16. Clydebank

In the last top 20 quite a few suggested pink was rather okay, did this one change your mind?

15. Norwich

Just picture yourself as a fan of the Canaries wearing this to show your pride. Nah, me either!

14. Newcastle United

Newcastle fans do have it tough. Not alone do their club constantly underperform but they're expected to sport tops like this. Either have thin stripes of thick stripes, not both.

13. Scotland

Charlie Nicholas in action for Scotland in Mexico in 1986

It's not so much the actual top of colours. It more the shirt and shorts combo. What is with the navy band?

12. England Goalkeeper David Seaman

Yes indeed I do not lie, English goalkeepers once played in this kit looking like a pack of refresher sweets. Nice, David, nice!!

11. Cameroon

It's the infamous Cameroon all-in-one kit as modelled by Samuel Eto'o. Not bad colours but it is a bad idea and no guys, no one believes that a big cat mauled your sides.

10. Malaga

Apparently Malaga are going to wear this shirt away from home this year. Good luck to them.

9. Brighton and Hove Albion

That design was surely just created to hurt the eyes of the opposition.

8. Notts County

Another nice little tartan number. Only for your grandfather.

7. Exeter City

It's like a shirt your geeky brother would wear to a disco in the early 1990s.

6. Aston Villa 1993

I don't think it's one of the worst myself, but it was voted in. The public spoke, well one person did :-)

5. Liverpool

The grey kit from 1989 although I do think they could see each other :-)

4. Crystal Palace

In a word: embarrassing!

3. Australia

I suppose they got their national colours in!

2. Stockport County

There is just so much going on in this shirt, busy I think is the term.

No.1 and still the undisputed winner

And here, proof it was worn

They were a team from the North American Soccer League based in Denver. They lasted for one year in 1978 before folding. They had the worst record in the league with eight wins and 22 defeats. Is it any wonder?

Original here

Child footballers banned from reading results

By Jon Swaine


The move was designed to allow young children to nurture their skills without facing the pressure to win Photo: PA

Football Association laws dictate that from this season, the results of matches between children aged seven and eight must not be published, league tables must not be kept and prizes must not be given out.

Some local associations have chosen to extend the regulations even further, it has emerged, banning league tables and trophies for 9, 10 and 11-year olds as well.

Scott Ager, who last season managed Priory Parkside under-9s 'A' team in Huntingdon, was sharply reprimanded after declaring that his team had won the league and having them photographed with a trophy by their local newspaper.

Mr Ager said: "I find it bizarre. It seems to me to work against talented players, as the teams who may lose heavily are likely to be ones with players who just play for a bit of fun. It is very frustrating. Kids put all this effort in but there is no reward.

"All the other managers in the league acknowledged that we had been the best team as we had won the most games. Football is our national sport, yet there are some strange rules around it."

A spokesman for Hunts FA said: "We were very angry. We do not allow competitive leagues until after under-11s. Mr Ager was chastened very severely and eventually left his club."

The FA handbook states: "Under-7s and Under-8s are not permitted to play in leagues where results are collected or published or winner trophies are presented."

The move was designed to allow young children to nurture their skills without facing the pressure to win.

Sir Trevor Brooking, the FA's director of football development, said: "In the youngest age groups there's too much emphasis on winning leagues, often to satisfy parents and coaches.

"That's what we're looking to change. We need better, more skilful players coming through. Undoubtedly having league tables at this age is not helping their development."

Andy Szczepanski, whose son plays for Brampton Spartans under-8s, said: "I understand where they are coming from but I also think there is a need for competition.

"It will make it more difficult for managers trying to arrange friendlies against sides of a similar standard because without seeing results there is no frame of reference."

During a visit to the Olympics in Beijing last month, Gordon Brown admitted that Labour's decision to reduce competitive school sport had been a "tragic mistake" and promised to re-introduce it.

"We want to encourage competitive sports in schools, not the 'medals for all' culture we have seen in previous years," the Prime Minister said.

"It was wrong because it doesn't work. In sport you get better by challenging yourself against other people."

The Conservatives said that last year 3.1 million school children - 42 per cent of all pupils - did not compete in intra-school sport.

Jeremy Hunt, the shadow culture secretary, said the figures showed Mr Brown's promise was hollow.

He said: "Gordon Brown talks the talk on competitive sport but doesn't get past the starting blocks when it comes to delivery of policy.

"If he wants to end a 'medals for all' culture, why has the number of children doing competitive sport at school gone down by nearly a million last year alone?"

Original here

Feature: Celebrating the NFL's Hispanic Heritage Month The Right Way... By Looking At Latina Cheerleaders


main_cheerleader_image.jpg

It’s September, which means Latino Heritage Month is upon us… yay! We’re Latino! Or Hispanic! Or Whatever… yay! Contributing Editor Alex Ferreyra is feeling the Latino love in the air, and never more so than when the NFL dusts off the deck tapes and creates commercials with “regular” gente professing their love for El Futbol Americano. But he feels that if they really wanted to sell the game, they’d go after what their mostly male Latino audience really responds to—chicas! That’s why he went through the rosters of all the team’s cheerleading squads (tough job, we know) and picked out the hottest Latina cheerleaders in the NFL for your viewing placer. Enjoy.

This month, I fall into the three key demographics the NFL wants to reach out to—male with disposable income and Hispanic. The last one is because it is Spanish-speakers Heritage Month, which they feel gives them the right to shill crappy video game translations to me. But what do they show to lure me in? Commercials of a Denver couple who painted their tacqueria Bronco orange and blue and Tony Kornheiser talking about dry cleaning during Monday Night Football. Nope. Sale not completed. I am still not falling for your ploy, NFL. If you wanted to get me to just fall for anything, why didn’t you just use the tried and true method that’s been at the disposal of ad agencies since the beginning of time? Sex. Boobs. Girls. That would’ve worked me up into enough of a frenzy to pull out my credit card to buy a video game with Roberto Garza on the cover. Next year, use my method. I’ve even given you a list of fine looking women that have been at your disposal all the while—NFL cheerleaders. Your charge? Nothing. But if you have any silver and black colored Zubazz Gaucho pants left over after this month, you can send me a pair.

    Ivelisse_eagles1.jpg
  • 12. Ivelisse (age not given, but we’re pretty sure she’s over 18… pretty sure)
  • Team: Philadelphia Eagles
  • Years Dancing With Her Team: One
  • Quirkiest Fact In Their Bio: Her favorite song is Lil’ Wayne’s “Milli.” Seriously, it’s my favorite song of the year, too. Also, her last meal would be Cheese Hot Pockets. It’s like we’re meant for each other (although mine would be the Cheeseburger Hot Pockets… those shits are off the hook.)
  • Why We Ranked Her Here: I totally would have ranked her higher if she didn’t look like like she was 12 years old. What is wrong with you Philadelphians?
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  • 11. Jessica
  • Team: Denver Broncos
  • Years Dancing With Her Team: One
  • Quirkiest Fact In Their Bio: She was born in Mattoon, IL, the same place as former Deadspin Editor Will Leitch. Wonder if she holds the same love for St. Louis Cardinals centerfielder Rick Anikel as he does.
  • Why We Ranked Her Here: It was a toss up here between Jessica and number 10 Alicia, but since I’m a Raider fan, I just couldn’t do my girl like that… even when the other woman wears assless chaps to work. Ugh, let’s finish this so I can get to my loyalty call.
  • alicia_raiders1.jpg
  • 10. Alicia
  • Team: Oakland Raiders
  • Years Dancing With Her Team: Four
  • Quirkiest Fact In Their Bio: She was a Dean’s Scholar at CSU Sacramento and a member of Alpha Phi Sorority, which makes her smart enough to run the Raiders front office.
  • Why We Ranked Her Here: A list of the hottest Latina cheerleaders without a Raiderette is like a Spring day without sunshine. I would’ve added more, but the other Alex said they were all guacala. And after looking the list over and over, I have to agree. The Latinas on the Raidertte squad are pretty guacala.
  • arlene_skins1.jpg
  • 9. Arlene, 26
  • Team: Washington Redskins
  • Years Dancing With Her Team: Four
  • Quirkiest Fact In Their Bio: She graduated from George Mason University where she got a bachelors in Integrated Studies with a major in International Business. I’m too stupid to know what that means. That’s what a bachelors in communications with an emphasis on film gets you, people.
  • Why We Ranked Her Here: She’s a technical recruiter, meaning she understands the pressures that computer guys go through. Plus, she’s happy to be a “business woman by day and NFL cheerleader by night!” She’s like a hot Batman if instead of fighting crazy people he cheered for crazy people—like Clinton Portis.
  • marlina_chargers1.jpg
  • 8. Marlina, 24
  • Team: San Diego Chargers
  • Years Dancing With Her Team: Three
  • Quirkiest Fact In Their Bio: Her favorite quote is “Everything happens for a reason.” which is one drives me crazy. Things happen because a series of events caused it to? Well no shit. I just had to get that out of the way before losing my train of thought looking at her picture.
  • Why We Ranked Her Here: She was one of the 12 NFL cheerleaders featured in this year’s Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition. Surely that should put her in the top ten, no?
  • tiffany_bucs1.jpg
  • 7. Tiffany, 21
  • Team: Tampa Bay Buccaneers
  • Years Dancing With Her Team: Three
  • Quirkiest Fact In Their Bio: Well, she invites us to check out her blog throughout the year to find out how interesting the life of a Tampa Bay Bucs cheerleader is… but she hasn’t posed anything yet. Come on, no Jeff Garcia pouty-baby stories you can share?
  • Why We Ranked Her Here: Sometimes I gotta go with… she’s pretty.
  • johanna_dolphins1.jpg
  • 6. Johanna, 24
  • Team: Miami Dolphins
  • Years Dancing With Her Team: One
  • Quirkiest Fact In Their Bio: The one place she wants to go is Europe. Well, I would take her, but with the price of plane tickets and all, it’s kinda expensive. Would she settle for going to Versailles… you know, the famous Cuban restaurant on Calle Ocho? That’s some good eatin’.
  • Why We Ranked Her Here: Because she looks a lot like Rhianna, and I me some love Rihanna. You gotta problem with that… brella… brella, yeah….
  • kylette_chargers1.jpg
  • 5. Kylette, 23
  • Team: San Diego Chargers
  • Years Dancing With Her Team: Four
  • Quirkiest Fact In Their Bio: Before coming to the Chargers, she was a part of the NBA D-League Thunderbirds Dance Team, which is pretty much a Sarah Palin, Wasilla-to-The White House rise to the top.
  • Why We Ranked Her Here: In 2001, Kylette was crowned Miss Teen Latina New Mexico and later received 1st runner up Miss Teen Latina USA. The best I ever did was fifth place in a White Castle eating contest, so that makes her way better than me. Hotter, too.
  • lauren_cowboys1.jpg
  • 4. Lauren, 23
  • Team: Dallas Cowboys
  • Years Dancing With Her Team: One
  • Quirkiest Fact In Their Bio: According to Lauren, “My passion is not only with dance and cheer but with my faith in the lord, as everything is possible through him.” Really? Then can he get Tony Romo to hang on to the freaking ball?
  • Why We Ranked Her Here: After reading excerpts from the Jeff Pearlman book about the 90s-era Cowboys, I don’t know how long she’s going to be around because of her religious views. Sure, she loves Marion Barber now, but if he pulled even a tenth of the stuff Charles Haley did back in the day, she’s going to be running to her church to pray for The Barbarian’s soul.
  • 3. Alexis, 23
  • Team: San Fransisco 49ers
  • Years Dancing With Her Team: Three
  • Quirkiest Fact In Their Bio: Alexis hopes to get a minor in Spanish. That’s just like the time I took AP Spanish in high school and got a 5 on the exam… ha, suckers! Seriously, I feel you Alexis. Call me.
  • Why We Ranked Her Here: Because she’s like ¾ Salma Hayek, ¼ floozie cheerleader. 60% of our dreams are populated with women like her (the other 40% have to deal with saving the children and ending hunger in the world… with my sidekick Alexis).
  • 2. Ariana, 19
  • Team: Miami Dolphins
  • Years Dancing With Her Team: Two
  • Quirkiest Fact In Their Bio: The place she really wants to visit is Antartica and her dream job is being a Roller Coaster tester. So she’s either mentally stuck at six (hey, I’m mentally stuck at 15, so there’s nothing wrong with it) or she just has an f-it attitude towards life. Either way, she a very dangerous woman… but worthy of my love.
  • Why We Ranked Her Here: Heheheheh. Really? You are looking at these pictures, right? The only way she could be topped on this list was if there were two of her. Oh wait…
  • 1. Larisa and Marisa, 23
  • Team: Houston Texans
  • Years Dancing With Their Team: Four
  • Quirkiest Fact In Their Bio: Larisa’s favorite restaurant is Houston wonder-eatery Pappasito’s and Marisa’s favorite restaurant is the Olive Garden. That would make Larisa my hands-down favorite. Now if I could just figure out which one she is…
  • Why We Ranked Her Here: While Alexis is the hottest woman ever to wear gold lame hot shorts (and arguably, there have been many lately) and Adriana is, well, Adriana, the power of twins propelled us to push these beauties on the top of the list. Plus, Larisa loves Pappasito’s, as do I, so it’s like the win-win of all win-wins (but with twins does that make it win-win-win-win? Ouch… that made my head hurt).
So there you have it. Cheerleaders go with football like peas and carrots, so I don’t understand why the NFL wouldn’t have taken this tack to woo the Latino male consumer, especially considering it looks like the Latino cheerleaders-to-player ratio is easily 2-to-1. And they’re also a lot easier on the eyes than a 300+ pound offensive lineman from the Chicago Bears.

Original here

NFL Fines Pacman Jones For Not Tucking Gun Into Pants

NEW YORK—National Football League officials announced Wednesday that Dallas Cowboys cornerback Adam "Pacman" Jones has committed a uniform weapons violation and will be fined $2,000 for keeping his nine-millimeter Beretta handgun in his game uniform's belt and not tucking the firearm into his uniform pants as rules stipulate during Monday night's game against the Philadelphia Eagles. "This fine sends a clear message that there is no leeway when it comes the NFL's new firearms policy—if players have a sidearm in their pants while on the field of play, said pistol must be tucked into the front, back, or sides of said pants," a statement from the commissioner's office read in part. "Once again, the rule is clear: Players can carry up to five guns onto the field at any one time, but only if they are properly carried in holsters underneath their jerseys, in the aforementioned portions of their pants, or in their sock." Goodell also cautioned Jones to be mindful of rule 14b of the on-field uniform code, which states that one may shoot an opposing quarterback once and only once as long as the throwing arm is not targeted.

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The Most Electrifying Player on Each NFL Team

POSTED BY CSQUEEZE IN GENERAL


This list doesn't compile the best or the most talented players, simply a list of players on each team that are simply electrifying to watch.

NFC - East


Dallas Cowboys

Terrell Owens - Dallas Cowboys

Terrell Owens - WR

Even with the exciting rookie RB Felix Jones on the roster, all eyes are still on T.O. ... as long as the chemistry with Romo sticks.

New York Giants

New York Giants - Plaxico Burress

Plaxico Burress - WR

This 6'5" beast helped propel his team into the Super Bowl last year while being nowhere near 100%. If he stays healthy he is one of the best WR's in the league.

Philadelphia Eagles

DeSean Jackson - Philadelphia Eagles

DeSean Jackson - WR/Special Teams

Jerry Rice on the rookie WR Jackson - "he is the fastest I have ever seen". Now DeSean, just make sure you hold onto the ball before crossing the endzone.

Washington Redskins

Santana Moss - Washington Redskins

Santana Moss - WR

This 5'10" receiver is one of the quickest players on the field and can rack up serious yards after the catch.

AFC - East

Buffalo Bills

Roscoe Parrish - Buffalo Bills

Roscoe Parrish - WR/Special Teams

Arguably the best return man in the AFC, Parrish already has a highlight reel touchdown return this year.

Miami Dolphins

Miami Dolphins - Ted Ginn Jr.

Ted Ginn Jr. - WR/Special Teams

This 2nd year WR has talent and may be the only bright spot on the Dolphins. Ginn returned one punt for a touchdown last year and broke two 40+ yard kick returns.

New England Patriots

Randy Moss - New England Patriots

Randy Moss - WR

Now that Tom Brady is out Moss's numbers will go down, but still expect highlight real plays from him all-season long.

New York Jets

Brett Favre - New York Jets

Brett Favre - QB

The always fun to watch Favre can entertain by throwing tons of TD's or by tossing loads of interceptions.

NFC North

Chicago Bears

Devin Hester - Chicago Bears

Devin Hester - WR/Special Teams

Anytime Hester touches the ball he is a threat to score, the best return man in the NFC hands down.

Detroit Lions

Calvin Johnson - Detroit Lions

Calvin Johnson - WR

Nicknamed "Megatron" by his fellow WR Roy Williams, Johnson has an insane vertical leap, blazing speed, and is just finally coming into his own in the NFL after one of the most distinguished college careers by a WR.

Green Bay Packers

Aaron Rodgers - Green Bay Packers

Aaron Rodgers - QB

Brett Who? In his first year starting Rodgers is showing great promise and experience beyond his years. The fate of the Packers now rests on him.

Minnesota Vikings

Adrian Peterson - Minnesota Vikings

Adrian Peterson - RB

Peterson tore up the NFL in his rookie season, breaking single game rushing records and making veterans look like n00bs. When healthy, he could be the most exciting RB in the league.

AFC South

Houston Texans

Andre Johnson - Houston Texans

Andre Johnson - WR

Johnson is always a deep treat and can go up over any DB to catch a TD. One of the faster WR's in the league.

Indianapolis Colts

Bob Sanders - Indianapolis Colts

Bob Sanders - SS

While only 5'8" & just over 200 lbs. Sanders plays like he is 6'2" Linebacker and hits as hard as anyone in the NFL.

Jacksonville Jaguars

Maurice Jones Drew - Jacksonville Jaguars

Maurice Jones Drew - RB/Special Teams

While he is short, he isn't small and he turns into a low-flying canonball once he gets moving.

Tennessee Titans

Chris Johnson - Tennessee Titans

Chris Johnson - RB

This rookie is the real deal and fits perfectly into the Tenessee Titans offense. Watch for big things from him this year.

NFC South

Atlanta Falcons

Michael Turner - Atlanta Falcons

Michael Turner - RB

Finally out of the Ladainian Tomlinson shadow, this 5'10" 244 pound RB is an animal and already netted 220 rushing yards in his first game.

Carolina Panthers

Steve Smith - Carolina Panthers

Steve Smith - WR

When he isn't fighting his teammates, Smith is out making big time plays. Now that his favorite QB is back, watch for him to have a great season..

New Orleans Saints

Reggie Bush - New Orleans Saints

Reggie Bush - RB/Special Teams

Hasn't been the dominant NFL force he was pegged to be yet, but he can make astounding plays when he gets the ball.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Joey Galloway - Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Joey Galloway - WR

This speedy receiver is one of the only entertaining people to watch on this defensive oriented team.

AFC - West

Denver Broncos

Champ Bailey - Denver Broncos

Champ Bailey - DB

The most feared cover-man in the NFL can shut down a WR completely, or change a game if tested.

Kansas City Chiefs

Kansas City Chiefs - Dwayne Bowe

Dwayne Bowe - WR

The Chiefs don't have too many bright spots this year, but this 2nd year reciever can go up and get a ball .. no matter how poorly the Chiefs Quarterback threw it.

Oakland Raiders

Darren McFadden - Oakland Raiders

Darren McFadden - RB

While McFadden was supposed to start with a decreased workload, he has already ran over 200 yards and let loose some big time moves. Just hold onto the ball Darren, and we should see a lot more good stuff from you.

San Diego Chargers

Darren Sproles - San Diego Chargers

Darren Sproles - RB/Special Teams

LT is the face of this team, but the 5'6" Sproles is a multi-faceted threat and can score on almost any play.

NFC - West

Arizona Cardinals

Anquan Boldin - Arizona Cardinals

Anquan Boldin - WR

While Larry Fitzgerald can outleap defenders, Boldin can break tackles and turn 5 yard passes into 50 yard gains. Possibly the best WR once he catches the ball.

San Francisco 49ers

Frank Gore - San Francisco 49ers

Frank Gore - RB

It may be yet another rebuilding year for the 49ers, but Mike Martz *gasp* is actually going to make this dynamic back the center of attention in the offense.

Seattle Seahawks

Walter Jones - Seattle Seahawks

Walter Jones - OL

It's pretty bad when the most exciting player on your team is an offensive tackle but the way that Jones can flatten defensive ends is amazing.

St. Louis Rams

Steven Jackson - St. Louis Rams

Steven Jackson - RB

Another lackluster team has at least one star that is a beast that can take (and give) a shot like no one else out there. Too bad the Rams have a pathetic offense around him.

AFC North

Baltimore Ravens

Ray Lewis - Baltimore Ravens

Ray Lewis - LB

While he is up there in age, Ray is still the player that is the most fun to watch on the rebuilding Ravens. Even if he isn't making a sack or hauling down a RB, he may just entertain you with his 'alleged' off field shenanigans.

Cincinnati Bengals

Chad Ocho Cinco - Cincinnati Bengals

Chad Ocho Cinco - WR

Call him Chad Ocho Cinco or call him Chad Johnson. Just get him the ball and watch him go. Consistently a top yardage gainer in the NFL and always has a good celebration once in the endzone.

Cleveland Browns

Braylon Edwards - Cleveland Browns

Braylon Edwards - WR

While off to a slow start this year, this former Michigan stud can straight up make plays. Derek Anderson just needs to get him the ball.

Pittsburgh Steelers

Troy Polamalu - Pittsburgh Steelers

Troy Polamalu - SS

His signature hair makes him easy to spot flying across the field tackling anything in his way.

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