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Saturday, May 31, 2008

Baseball Players and HGH: You’re Doing it Wrong . . . Try LSD

We have all done some amazing things while under the influence of inebriating substances. Whether if it is finding the courage to streak naked covered in peanut butter across town after bars, or eating an entire extra large pizza by yourself, we all have our accomplishments. However, these men have gone above and beyond the duty of outperforming their sober alter egos. Forget what the officials say about the effects of HGH in Major League Baseball, these players prove the real secret to baseball glory lies in the techno colored bliss of playing when intoxicated.

Mike Cameron:

In a recent interview, the Brewers’ Mike Cameron admitted to hitting the field while drunk during his time as a Mariner. He stated:

“Sh-t, I’ve played drunk.”
When?
“New York City.”

But he had no shame, because according to sources he batted his best game against the New York Yankees that day. He amazingly went 4-4 from the plate, with 2 homeruns, and 8 RBIs. It’s only fitting that he ended up with the Brewers. While most men find difficulty hitting the urinal while at the bar, Mike found ease in making contact with a 90 mph fastball.

Sure batting perfect from the plate while drunk is amazing, but what about throwing from the mound?
David Wells:

He pitched a perfect game in 1998 against the Twins, but he only admitted to being “half drunk” in his book “Perfect I’m Not! Boomer on Beer, Brawls, Backaches & Baseball”. I’m not going to bore anyone with the circumstance surrounding this event, but no one got on base. And he was half sober. The end. There was nothing special about that since he could see the plate.

But judging from the reaction of Steinbrenner and Yankee nation, you would have thought the man committed murder for admitting he was 1.5 sheets into the wind. Wells was fined $100,000 for the truthful comments he made in his book. That’s right, a 6 figure fine for admitting to accomplishing one of the greatest triumphs in sports while a little tipsy. It is this teetotaler mindset that has probably prevented him from hurling a no hitter again. If the power hitters of the MLB can take “legal” steroids to boost their performance, let a man pitch drunk. It worked out well last time.

While Wells spent one game drunk, the next player spent his entire career under the influence of alcohol.

Wade Boggs:

There are some players that get drunk before one or two games. Then there was Wade Boggs. The man’s career reeked of day old Budweiser and stale corn chips. This was the type of man that could clear a frat house of all beers, literally. In what has been deemed by many as an urban legend, reports have surfaced about Wade drinking over 60 beers in the span of a 7-hour flight.

While I would like to believe Boggs is not lying, I can’t. Drinking 64 beers on a cross-country flight is something that should go in the record books, not denied. Even if the slightest rumor revealed I completed such a fete, you had better believe I would admit to the achievement. His former teammate Jeff Nelson contested to Wade’s addictive personality, stating in an interview that:

“Wade was the kind of guy who was always the first one at the club house […] and he’d bring a six pack with him. He’d be there drinking a beer when someone showed up, and as we were all packing our stuff up out of our lockers and getting our bags ready for the trip, Wade would sit there and drink that whole six pack.”

And when asked about the legendary 64 beer performance, he added:

“I’ve never seen anyone drink as much beer as [Boggs] did in my life…I’d say, on a typical road trip, east coast to west coast, say a road game to Seattle……Wade would drink anywhere between 50 and 60 beers…I know how crazy that sounds, and I wouldn’t believe it myself unless I saw him do it…..numerous times. And he drank nothing but Miller Lite.”

Why should we believe Nelson over Wade? Because if a man decides to drink 64 beers in 6 hours, he will either die or lose count after the 27th can. Boggs should have no shame in being a human brewery, it’s something lots of men dream of accomplishing. Oh yeah, being a MLB star is a great perk too.

Our next player, however, experienced the Jimi Hendrix of MLB experiences. While tripping on LSD, this Pittsburg Pirates pitcher threw a no hitter. Yes, he was fully engulfed in the side effects of acid when he hurled the no hitter.

Dock Ellis and the No Hitter:

While our three previous major leaguers were throwing back the booze, this man wasn’t joking around. The year was 1970 and Dock Ellis was at the peak of his career. Assuming that he had the day off, Ellis ingenuously took LSD while with some friends at noon. He explains that:

“I was in Los Angeles, and the team was playing in San Diego, but I didn’t know it. I had taken LSD… I thought it was an off day, that’s how come I had it in me. I took the LSD at noon. At 1pm, my girlfriend and trip partner looked at the paper and said, “Dock, you’re pitching today!”

In a hurry, Ellis took a direct flight to San Diego for a little less than $10. The game started at 6 that night. He arrived to the stadium at 4:30 and proceeded to prepare himself for the start. I can only imagine the chaos going through his head.

“I can only remember bits and pieces of the game. I was psyched. I had a feeling of euphoria.”

If only he would have known the glory that awaited him later that night. Under circumstances that would have left most of us wondering the town in search of Twinkies and things that felt fuzzy to the touch, Ellis attempted to pitch in a regular season MLB game.

“I was zeroed in on the (catcher’s) glove, but I didn’t hit the glove too much. I remember hitting a couple of batters and the bases were loaded two or three times.”

But that never stopped Ellis as he persevered, although he was freaking out at times. He summed it all up by asserting that the occurrence really freaked him the Hell out:

“The ball was small sometimes, the ball was large sometimes, sometimes I saw the catcher, and sometimes I didn’t. Sometimes I tried to stare the hitter down and throw while I was looking at him. I chewed my gum until it turned to powder. They say I had about three to four fielding chances. I remember diving out of the way of a ball I thought was a line drive. I jumped, but the ball wasn’t hit hard and never reached me.”

One thing is for certain, the MLB will never admit to Ellis’ triumphs on the field. Forget watching Chipper bat above 0.450, or the Bonds breaking the HR record, I would have paid good money to see a pitcher tripping on acid, diving out of the way of a bunt that didn’t even reach the mound. That’s the kind of humor you see in Harold and Kumar movies, not in the MLB. Perhaps Bonds and the rest of the human dumptrucks have been trying the wrong drug this whole time. Under the effects of perfomance DEhancing drugs, these men excelled in their efforts. While the regular man boasts about being better at beer pong after 14 beers, these guys can brag about throwing no-hitters in an MLB game . . . or playing their entire lives drunk. With the exception of John Daly, you just don’t see these results in any other sport. Baseball: America’s sport.

Original here