Earlier this week, JV Games announced that they will be ‘cleaning up’ their Wii version of beer pong to be called simply ‘Pong Toss’. This was quite a clever move by the company and Nintendo to silence opponents and widen their market to include the 13 and up ages. This T rated video game produced by JV’s Frat Party games line will be the first drinking game of its kind. And right now, it sucks. Real bad.
Who would actually buy a game that is only about throwing balls in cups? Absolutely no college aged student. I love Wii. I love college. I love beer. I love cups. I love ping pong balls. But there’s one element missing in the title that left every college student from anxiously anticipating its release, to now calling it a lame excuse for a game. If it were cups of beer . . . or even mentioned its blissful goodness then it would be fantastic! But unfortunately, some middle-aged soccer mom was afraid their child might learn about the most widely known drinking game. This doesn’t make any sense, because anyone will confirm that playing beer pong limits the amount of alcohol drank compared to alternatives such as bonging, beer ball, flip cup, card games, quarters, etc. Unless you play for 6 hours straight or are very terrible, beer pong is your safest bet to a relatively sober night. Thus, it is the complete opposite of binge drinking.
But as a favor for JV games, a house full of 8 college aged guys have created a set of rules that will take the game from effortless Pong Toss to the life of the party.
Editor’s Note – Opponents to binge drinking, we all respect your opinion and the fact that you think we’re crazy. But don’t think of us as the “we want to drink ourselves to death in a pool of Everclear” . . . type of crazy. Think of us more as the “I’m gonna burn all my clothes off and run down this street naked” . . . type of crazy. There’s a big difference. You can stop reading here if you can’t handle the lack of moral fortitude that is about to be displayed below. Since JV Games can’t fulfill their wish to promote a favorite drinking past time, we will.
First of all, from all videos of the game play and prerelease, pong toss will be in a 10-cup format. Therefore, each team will need a total of 3 beers. Two beers are acceptable only if agreed upon by both parties. Since space is an issue and there is no need to set up an actual table, a large cup will be used to divide the beer between partners. Every cup means a gulp and the loser takes the left over beer of the winner. Simple.
The ‘house’ rules of the actual game are laid out by JV in the game, so all competitors will abide by those during game play. We hope the following apply:
No Bounce (Self explanatory, since the game surely does not include swatting)
Bring It Back (If you and your partner sink a cup)
Rebounds (Behind the back shot if the ball rolls back)
Redemption (Shoot till you miss once your cups are gone)
Perhaps a blowing or fingering mechanism . . . depending upon player gender
Skunk Rule (Some make the losers run around the house naked, or some are not allowed to return to the table)
If JV Games has failed to think about any of those elements to be included into their game, then it is not worth the trouble to purchase. Luckily, if there’s still time for them to change the game’s name, then they have time to change some game play features.
RULES FOR THE NON-DRINKERS:
Every beer pong king or diva will tell you that they are at their peak while they are drunk. If a Wii owner is too protective to allow drunkards around the system, then this rule is essential for the game. Purchase several pairs of impairment goggles and go to town on the game. Since throwing a virtual ball into a cup doesn’t have very much entertainment value, this will add a nice flair to the game.
To help with the desired numbing sensation from a night of drinking, we assume a rubber band around your throwing arm will do the trick. If you can ‘toss a pong’ to perfection without feeling, then you’re becoming a true beer pong pro.
Since drinking makes the Earth rather hard to stay vertical on, wearing roller-skates while playing can help you mimic the beer buzz.
When you drink, unattractive women start to become supermodels and your mind can only focus on their presence. Therefore, posters of Britney Spears, Madonna, or for a real scare, Amy Winehouse.
Finally, you will want to start drinking. Don’t believe me? Watch this video of actual game play. If any of those people are having fun standing around watching a game of virtual dry ‘pong toss’.
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