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Thursday, August 14, 2008

We Get It Already: 14 Olympic Stories We're Tired Of Hearing

We love the Olympics here at Campus Squeeze, we even dedicated a whole week of articles to the games! But it's barely been a week and there's a few things we're already sick of hearing.

14.) A UK Diver Is 14

Tom Daley from the United Kingdom is only 14 years old, and he's an Olympian. Hey, that's pretty cool, we admit. At age 14, most of us lived on a bean bag chair playing Playstation, downing Cheetos and rootbeer. With that in mind, he's not a gold medal diver. He and his teammate choked hardcore in their competition and placed 8th. But don't worry, he was the most heavily discussed athlete in the entire competition. We're not saying he shouldn't get any airtime, but maybe devote a few minutes to, oh let's see, someone better at diving?

13.) The Swim Cube Is Cool To Look At

The Beijing National Aquatics Center is its' formal name, and it's covered with all sorts of cool fiber optic bubble shapes on the outside to give it the illusion that it's actually made of water. We've seen it from every angle. Most of us haven't been to China, but if we had to, we could successfully navigate our way out of the swim cube during a fire. At this point, it seems like NBC will have split-screen coverage of the current event on the left of your screen and the stationary cube on the right.

12.) Kerri Walsh Lost Her Wedding Ring

The video is pretty funny. Kerri Walsh goes to block a spike, the ballhits her hand, and her wedding ring somehow flies off. Luckily they caught it on tape so they had a general idea of where it landed, it was found, and Kerri Walsh had her ring back. But it's not that funny. Every volleyball game since has mentioned the ring-loss event. The commentators always make sure to mention how it's "just one of those light moments you absolutely need in the Olympics to loosen up, and remember; Hey! life is funny somtimes."

11.) Beijing Is A Weird Place

Every morning, bright and early, Bob Costas is giving us up-to-date information about the games. And when there's nothing special about the actual games to discuss, he makes sure to tell us just how weird China is. Usually they give us some speech about how the landscape and architecture are beautiful, and then his voice turns grave; "but there are certainly underlying problems that need to be fixed."

Every day there's a special interest story with some reporter who goes to some Chinese hang-out, like a restaurant or gymnastics school, where they then demonstrate their obvious intolerance for Eastern culture with mouth-open, wide-eyed shock. There was even a story about how difficult it is to use chopsticks. Sorry, but weren't chopsticks a mind-boggling utensil in the 1960s when culture overlap started? The entire time we were expecting to hear the reporter break down and scream "Why the fuck don't you people just use forks for God's sake?!"

10.) Someone Got Murdered

The media sure have shown their love for morbidity with this story. Todd Bachman, father of former Olympic volleyball player Elizabeth Bachman was murdered by an unknown assailant while viewing a tourist attraction in Beijing. We aren't making fun of this, it's certainly a senseless tragedy, but can we maybe dial it down a notch with bringing it up after every other story? It almost seems like they can't wait to talk more about it. "What a beautiful opening ceremony it was, Bob, it surely fascinated and amazed everyone who was lucky enough to be a witness. Also, did you hear about that dude that got murdered? Crazy, huh?" Come on, NBC, let's move on.

9.) The Chinese Women's Gymnastics Team Might Be Lying About Their Athlete's Ages

You have to be 16 to compete in gymnastics. Most of these girls are clearly 11, meaning that they will be ineligible for the next Olympics. All we're saying is, stop being the announcer who says "So ya know, some people, not me, heh heh, some people think that the Chinese gymnasts are too young to compete." They clearly are lying, so just show some integrity and say it, already!

8.) Team USA Basketball Has Something To Prove

The men's Basketball tournament hasn't gotten too hot yet, the medal round isn't until August 24th, but we still get to hear quite a bit about how in 2004, the heavily favored team took bronze. There has yet to be an announcer who can mention the men's basketball team without saying "Who, as you may know, took bronze in Athens, which was pretty dissappointing." Of course we know, you mentioned it a few minutes ago, then right before commercial break, and then again just now.

7.) Dara Torres Is Old

Alright, so most Olympians are between the ages of 18 and 32. And there are outliers on both sides of that equation. Dara Torres is 41 years old, and she's had a kid. We admit, that's pretty awesome. Most of moms we know had a few kids, got the mom haircut, and immediately started buying jeans with elastic waist bands. But when it comes to Dara Torres, we're reminded that she's in great shape constantly. It was interesting at first, but after learning about her amazing work-out, how old she is, the fact that she is a mom, the amount of Olympics she's competed in, how old she is, how good her work out is, how good of shape she is in, her child, how old she is, and how she's in the Olympics at the age of 41, we got tired. Enough.

6.) Yao Ming Is The Face Of China

Being the only Chinese athlete Americans can distinguish means that he's getting plenty of air-time. It didn't even slow down during the Team USA's trouncing of Team China by 31 points. "zOMG! Yao Ming is on the bench, his team is still losing, he is still cheering, he truely is the face of China these Olympics!" STFU!!!

5.) Amanda Beard Is An Athlete Who Is Also Attractive

And she's been in Playboy. Trust us, most men are completely aware of that fact. And we were probably aware of it well before you were. With that in mind, don't ruin our naughty-time by guilting us into understanding that she's an athlete first, and a dirty thoughts object second.

4.) World Class Athletes Train Hard

Oh do they? While it's interesting to see how athletes train for sports we're not familiar with, maybe cool it with the constant training videos for the more popular sports. "Oh really? To train for the 200m freestyle Michael Phelps swims laps? In a pool? Man, you've opened some eyes."

Now, if wrestlers trained for their event by wrestling a chimpanzee or anaconda, show that shit all day.

Finally, America is already fat. It certainly doesn't help a gravy chugging slob's enthusiasm for fitness when he hears that the reason our athletes are in such unbelievable shape is due to their intense workout regimen, which begins at dawn, and ends at 3 p.m. Or as the obese sect of our country calls it: pre-dinner devouring-hours.

3.) The Opening Ceremonies Were Spectacular

There really is no doubt that everyone was amazed by the opening ceremonies. But commentators seem to have been amazed into a catatonic state of opening ceremonies bliss. Here's a sample conversation between some commentators for, oh let's see, women's fencing.

--"I'll be honest Dave, Mariel Zagunis is just a technically sound fencer."

--"Couldn't agree more, Sarah. You know, I got the chance to talk to her a bit after the opening ceremonies, which by the way, were unbelievable."

--"Weren't they? I had tears in my eyes, Dave. They were just so...::begins to drool::"

--"I know...I was...I...::grand mal seizure::"

2.) Russia Attacked Georgia

The games become almost unwatchable when this story comes on. We always get to hear our president's disgust at the situation: "Can you believe a world super-power has unjustly launched a military attack against a weaker country? That's horrible!" Uh George, remember when you...nevermind. Most Americans lost interest when they found out the Georgia that Russia attacked is Europe-style Georgia and not America-style Georgia.

1.) Michael Phelps Is A Good Swimmer

Guess what? Michael Phelps has the chance to win EIGHT gold medals in the 2008 Beijing Summer Olympics! No one knew about this though, because it has never been mentioned on-air. Oh wait, it has been mentioned. Constantly. Even if you're watching another event, it's almost like the announcer feel the need to mention his name regardless of the event they're announcing. They could be like "Here we are the cycling track where our cyclists have to complete a series of twists and turns, and the winner today gets the gold. Before I used to race, I always ate an apple. Speaking of "ate," did you know that Michael Phelps could potentially win eight gold medals at these Olympic games?"

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